It’s the last days of 2013, and basically the year has been a blur.  Even as the season winds itself down, I am aware of only the periphery…lights on houses, an occasional holiday song over the radio turned low as I drive over to Tremont.  I think sometimes, I should be making a better effort at being “in the season”…but mostly, I am just happy enough to mark off one more day off the calendar.  Hospice sucks.  I know that my Grandfather has lived a long life and he isn’t in any particular pain.  Its just this waiting. Watching him get smaller every day, a bit more guant.  His wrinkles have turned themselves inside out, smoothed by the loss of underlying structure.  He has no strength to feed himself any longer.  I hold the straw near his mouth so he can drink and even sucking down the thickened water now seems to be a trial for him.  When he tries to talk, I bend over and wait as the stuggling words emerge, muted and torn.  We are both becoming ghosts – only parts of our living are being expressed….I want to feel but emotions push me over boundaries where I am free falling alone and full of fear, so I manage.  I watch him as he manages.  Image

One thought on “ghosts”

  1. Dealing with the end of someone’s days on earth is always a difficult thing, but it is also introspective. I have watched my mother have a heart attack and die suddenly, then my father reach old age and die slowly of Parkinsons. My sister also killed herself very very slowly with alcohol, and finally, her body couldn’t handle it any longer and stopped working. What I have found when dealing with death is that, it is just part of life. We all have to go through it, and all we can hope for, for ourselves and our loved ones (2- and 4-legged) is peace, dignity, and comfort in those last days and hours. Bless you for helping your grandparents pass through those final moments and for showing them they are loved. You probably don’t realize how much they appreciate you. I am sure they do and they wish they could express that.


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